oh, you can't help that, we're all mad here

we may be done with the past, but the past is never done with us.

there are aspects of my past that i loathe, some i'm ambivalent about, and other aspects that i love.

there are parts of my past that i wish i could forget, some i might want to do differently, and some that i wish i could relive all the time.

there are people of my past that i wish i could go back to, and some i wish never were there to begin with.

there are moments of pride and moments of embarrassment, things i did right and major mistakes.

there is a lot of stuff back there, all of which helps make me the person i am today, for good or ill. i just can't help thinking about certain items in that midden heap of memory, wondering how exactly i've been affected by said item or event. often i see the negative impacts, how i've been irrevocably fucked up by someone's slight gesture, words of admonishment, or some other sort of behavior. more often, i see how i've fucked myself over with certain actions and (more frequently) inaction. i just don't know what to do, or how to succeed, or even how to be at peace with all this crazy bullshit buzzing around my brain.

sometimes i see how crazy people have to be to deal with me on any level. sometimes, i can completely understand why i have so few people around me on a regular basis. of course, i guess some of that is my own fault, since i tend to just chill alone for days and weeks on end without ever calling anyone. it's only fair that friends never call me because i never call them. i of course don't mean any offense to them, it's just... i guess i often don't feel good enough about myself to even make the effort, or that anyone else would feel good enough about me to make the effort. that's okay, i don't blame anyone else for it.

sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror.