i'll betray myself to everyone...

the days roll on by, faster and faster, as time compresses into the blink of an eye. my life, looked back upon, seems like one endless stream of questions without answers. the questions come faster, and answers come slower, and i never know which is which anymore.

ideas and concepts gestate in the womb of my conscious mind, held together by the amniotic fluid of subconsciousness. occasionally, birthing pains push out a miscarried thought, a stillborn plan, a disfigured concept that started perfectly as a zygote of cognition deep within the folds of my cerebrum.

the spark comes and goes, lighting my world and then plunging it into darkness. i gather tinder here and there, hoping someday to start a fire with its lambent warmth. the cold wind rears up, the flickering flames gutter out, and i am left wondering.

i have always felt alone, more alone than lack of companionship could account for. i've wandered through the days, seeking the why's and how's, and always i've felt it my purpose to look further. sometimes i sneak up on things, looking so quickly that i hope to catch them in some other state than normal being. sometimes i look at the sky and wonder how many times i've looked up at it through different eyes. sometimes i wonder how long these eyes have to look at the world around me, and not wanting to take a chance, i try to see all i can, through photos and really Seeing. maybe if i look hard enough, i can find the thing i am looking for, have always been looking for, even before i was me.

how many times have i been here before? have i been here before at all? and what didn't i learn that i'm supposed to learn this time through? why do tears form at the edges of my eyes when i wonder too hard?

the feeling is always there, of solitude, of fear, of wanting to know more, of failing to understand even a small bit. i could perish tomorrow, and what have i learned or accomplished? whose life has been made brighter and more understandable by my presence or help? should i even care, though i cannot help caring? too many questions, and not enough answers, just as it's always been.

and i've always known that whatever questions i have can never be answered for me by any other living being. this thought has never comforted me, but knowing that everyone else is in the same boat sort of comforts me. but still, i can't get into your head and see through your eyes, so as far as my little brain is concerned, it's irrelevant what comes from there.

so, without even a foggy idea about where i am at the moment, how am i supposed to chart a path into the future? the future... such a weird thing to consider, even though most of us consider it often in some way or another. the future is a dark, mysterious place...