i don't know what to say, because i don't know how to feel.

glad because now i know, but sad because i didn't know sooner, or more often, or something.

happy because you still care, but devastated that The Thought crossed your mind, whether it was two steps or one step or even a half step away...

optimistic because i know i can do it, but pessimistic because i know i might not.

it's just hard.

it's right there in front of me, just as it's always been. but the edges are hard to see, so getting around it is even harder. i just need a little kick to help get me going, a small push to keep me going, and some time to do the going.

it's just hard.

to know what is right, and what is wrong, and where do my choices lie between the two. it's hard to even see what the choices really are, and how to choose them effectively.

does any of this make any sense? do i?

it feels like someone punched me in the face, but i can take medicine to calm my sinus pain. but it also feels like someone punched me in the stomach, but i know of no medicine that can quiet the painful butterflies that are skittering around in there.

i'm just not sure of myself, and i never have been. i don't know how to fix that. i have never failed to fail.

pain.